sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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