..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
