I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
