I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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