dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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