he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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