Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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