He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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