You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
this hospital has no fireball
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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