Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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