I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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