gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
