hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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