Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
