It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
