Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
