When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
