ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
