Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
