Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
