Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
