If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
