Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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