Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
