dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
