I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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