today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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