The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
