y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
