You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
