I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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