Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
