Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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