I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you had me at cake vodka
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
