Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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