She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No more Irish car bombs ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
