on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
