he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
