This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
