dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
