I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
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I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
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I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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