On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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