i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Watching her eat just hurts me
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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