That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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