girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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