i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
