So drunk its hurt
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Randomize
