I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I deserve this hangover.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
