I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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