explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
When are your genitals available?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
