I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
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