i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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