The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
