I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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