k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
