Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
