A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
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even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
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Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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