Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
