I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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