it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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